You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
