he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
