I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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