He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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