After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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