I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
