I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...