woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
