i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
