theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
