my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
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