end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
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SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.