my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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