i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i was born a porn star she said
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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