Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
