I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
