I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
