all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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