I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
