I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
