New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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