john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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