I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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