Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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