You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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