I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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