just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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