I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
