What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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