So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
