My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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