my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
