shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
