i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
