WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
