Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
don't judge my taste in strippers
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have aggressive nipples.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
