I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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