Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
