remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
