i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
