Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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