You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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