I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
