A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
