i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
