On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
