I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
