having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
