Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
