ya dads aren't the best wingmen
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
