Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
