I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
