my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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