I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
