He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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