Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
