I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
