so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We're not piercing ourselves today.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
