Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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