I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
What drink are we having for lunch?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
