I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
